kevin i felt at peace when i was resting in bed on your shoulder. my body felt warm and content, my mind was finally quiet. our skin together and touching is perfect, perfect bliss. i didn't know i could feel that way. you take good care of me kevin. 

i know you felt anxious about not making it off the bus today. i get anxious about random things sometimes too. ill try to always tell you what im anxious about. will you try to help me understand what your anxieties are when they happen? I will try my best to hold you. 

kevin i think we will be happy at the apartment regardless of whether or not i get to officially move in. 

for christmas what i really want is to enjoy a homemade dinner with you at the new apartment. it doesnt have to be right at christmas or right after it. i actually don't want it to be related to xmas at all, but it can be the "xmas gift" because I dont want us to be anxious about What To Get For Xmas like everyone else. You know, it's cause I'm pretentious. The point is, our first dinner at home will make it feel like home. I want to feel at home with you. I already do of course, but I mean we can knight that space as an extension of us. We can claim our space and claim ourselves and make our own life away from everything.

you are so beautiful. im in love with you, i love you.

Both my parents have now told me at least once that they resent my presence and they'd prefer it if I went away and didn't bother them anymore, but they know I can't afford to move out. They scoff when I cry and say it's a nuisance when I do so. 

I met this couple, Tam Duong and Cheryl Teoh. Both Tam and Cheryl have very conservative and authoritative parents who wanted them to get degrees and then find corporate ladders to climb. Tam refused and followed his dream of becoming a musician. Luckily his parents started to accept the idea after awhile, but Cheryl wasn't so lucky.

I think people who don't have that kind of Asian parent won't know what it's like to have your own mom and dad make you feel like a complete shit all the time. All I can say is that it's extremely emotionally abusive, and then I hope that people will believe me.

The topic came up last summer when I was out at lunch with a senior co-worker. He told me that's happened to a lot of his Asian friends, and even though his friends are now working professionals in their late 20s, it never really goes away. That feeling of always being unwanted, unworthy, and inadequate...that stays with you. 

I had to hide my horror as he was telling me this story. I don't want that to be me.

From what Tam has told me, I think Cheryl is undergoing a lot of the same from her parents, but she continues to make art anyway. 

They take refuge in music and beauty and in one another. These people give me hope. 

I
love you
he sang
and the trees sighed

I’d
do anything for you
and the flowers
blushed

I’m in love
he cried
but the leaves only rustled

he threw his message
out to sea
and waited for a storm
to bring it back

I've been arguing enough with my Conservative father to actually have things to blog about, but mostly I'm too tired from working 3-4 jobs (depending on the week) while trying to stay in shape. I'm too spoiled and lazy to work this hard Thank God for labour codes. 

bf is vacationing right now in Vancouver but will soon return to Toronto for the rest of the year. He's leaving this Sunday and I'll miss him. We're spending every weekend minute together.
 

----------------------

Conservative activist Erza Levant (the former tobacco lobbyist who said that Canadian oil is ethical) recently said on his Sun TV (Canada's Fox TV) program that whatever isn't profitable on the market should be eliminated (that means public services have to go!). The market must always be right because that's where millions of people vote with their money. Do you want a politician to decide what you want or would you listen to the millions of market actors (buyers and sellers)? Do you think you know better than millions of people? 

The problem with that argument is that people can't be defined by their dollar sign behaviour. There is more to me than what I buy. What would you do differently if money weren't an issue? Many people would donate to charities that they don't donate to normally. I would only eat local, organic and fair trade food (and if those industries don't exist, I would subsidize it). I would get annual memberships at local theatres and art galleries. 

Just because some things are unaffordable doesn't mean that they're unimportant to people. We can't vote with our money if we don't have it in the first place - this logic connotates that the rich and the wealthy will always get more say. I want to be valued for the ideas that I voice.

Right now I'm living at home so rent and food are taken care of. My parents pay for my tuition so I have no student debt. The reason why I'm not blogging much anymore is because I'm working several jobs. That, combined with my lack of expenses, means that this summer will be the richest I will ever be (at least in terms of disposable income) and I plan to spend like it. I will give money to environmental and social justice organizations. I will buy CDs from unknown indie artists; I love giving money to buskers for the generous music that they share. I acknowledge my privilege and I will use it in a way that is socially responsible. 

I've been hanging with [Mermaids] in Toronto and we've been going on a daily vegan smoothie/doughnut rampage across the city.

I got to meet AzureRecollections (my 3rd Xangan meetup!) and we dragged him along with us.

Also, I've been falling for this boy.

I spent a weekend with him in Montreal. We watched the sunset calm the city from atop St. Joseph's Oratory. We kissed on the church steps and we danced to the subway buskers on the way back to the hotel. We must have looked very picturesque (re: mushy) because I saw two photographers snapping pictures of us. 

Also....TRUMON HAS A GF SQUEEE! I'll try not to be jealous when he ditches me all the time to hang out with her  

concrete air holds me in place
every molecule in its space
and time is freed of its rhythms-
but for the sound of my heart in the dark

A:  My tummy is round now  
T:  It was always round
A:  No, I used to have abs
T:  Round abs. 

T:  Look it's a witch pot!
A:  You mean a cauldron?

T:  (to our conservative Asian mother) I have a sexy moustache  
 

I sleep over frequently at school now, so Trumon and I also spend a lot of time on facebook chat

A:  I has your bunnies

T:  Well, just so you know

     My bunnies are well trained ninjas

     they'll bust your ass and hop back to me

     like nothing ever happened

     like ninjas do

T:  um

    mom said I went headfirst down the stairs

    while on my little scooter thing

My hands hurt when I cry. I remember how it happened.

I know I'm less shy than I used to be, but I didn't know I had such an attitude. It's actually quite fun, especially when pointing out BS arguments from your prof to his face, in front of the class. I don't think anyone expected that from a Little Asian Girl - but then neither did I!

I remember back when I came out as an activist on Xanga. It was only a couple months ago, and even then I held my breath, I was tentative. And now I'm a declared feminist both on facebook and twitter.  

It wasn't as simple as that of course; there were lots of right-wing people to take down along the way. The Old World won't give up power, won't go down without a fight. In the past I always avoided confrontation, but when these 20-something machismos go out of their way to tell me that racism is a figment of my imagination, seal-hunting is an economic accomplishment, and feminists are man-hating dykes, it's hard to be afraid of people who have such insulated ways of thinking. 

I don't win many arguments IRL because I'm not that quick on my feet, but online I've never lost. I fought my way out of the closet, and that only made me stronger. I do hours and hours of research sometimes to respond to the most stupid, thoughtless comments because this isn't about smacking down the opposition - it's about empowering myself with information that will save the world. By trying to make me shut up about animal suffering and social injustice, they created for themselves a more powerful enemy.

Suddenly, I've been getting comments like these, from friends and from complete strangers:

And then I realized that I'm not here to speak out against a barren world of ignorance and apathy - I am only giving voice to thoughts that everyone else is already thinking. I am not alone, I am not the only one. And we will win the war together.

I've always been proud of my white skin and my relatively straight nose (Asian noses are usually flat). I never noticed until now that what I valued most about my features were also those which were the most Caucasian-looking.

Ideology is invisible, but I never knew that as a child. All my life, my Asian friends and aunties have praised me for my light skin colour, and I never thought to question why. I became vain from the continual reinforcement. I was very proud of my white skin - and yet I still never thought of myself as beautiful.

Because in the process of fragmentizing beauty into supposedly separate components, we externalize it. Beauty is White Skin, Big Eyes, a Straight Nose. Beauty is an attainment, it's a thing on your face. Beauty has too many parts for you to ever collect 'em all. This is how it's always talked about; the problem was not simply a lack of confidence on my account. 

Now I know my skin isn't nice because it's whiter than someone else's. Beauty should not be a relative measurement. My small eyes, the flat plains of my face - they're beautiful because they're mine.