So stressed and exhausted I had to take a crying/disappearing/zone out break today when I got home from school. I feel embarrassed that I reached this point and I can’t even claim to be a lawyer or surgeon or anything. But it happens, and I’m allowed to be stressed when I’m experiencing stressors. If I don’t allow myself even that bit of acknowledgement then it can only get worse.

Fun things that’ve been happening to me: the manager at my former co-op job (at the local volunteer centre) and a manager at the Vancouver Aquarium contacted me a few months ago to apply to their jobs. Made me feel extra super special. I landed the volunteer centre job and I started this week. I did a pre-screening phone interview for the Vancouver Aquarium job today and I thought I did well.

It’d be awkward if I also got the Vanaqua job though because 1) the volunteer centre has always treated me very well and I’d hate to disappoint them and 2) the two managers are good friends. But I’ll cross that bridge if I get to it – I’m sure the competition to get into Vanaqua is tough.

The volunteer centre work is comfortable enough, and considering I’ve only ever been paid intern wages, the salary is nice. They’re giving me one day off per week to take courses, because I still haven’t graduated. I am planning to take 1-2 courses per semester while working, meaning that I’d graduate in ~one year if all goes according to plan.

I am super stressed about school because I am Asian-failing this semester and I need to keep my grades up to maintain my scholarship. Without it I’d be paying ~33% more in tuition.

Dragonboat season just ended but ultimate is still ongoing. After biking on the weekend I realized I really only sleep well after thorough exercise, but I just don’t have time for a regular exercise routine. It’s frustrating that I can barely make one ultimate game per week. At that rate you’re not getting stronger – it’s just basic cardio and muscular maintenance. I miss being an athlete. 

Cosmo and I have been arguing the past few days and it’s just sucked everything out of me. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s amazing how the petty disagreements about how dishes should be done or something else equally meaningless has the potential to ruin your whole week. 

I just realized we’ve been living together for 1.5 years already. We’ve been dating for two years. Maybe it’s just my stress speaking through me right now, but I’m not ready to be married. That extra commitment would just be another stressor right now. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’d go crazy without Cosmo. I wouldn’t be able and I wouldn’t want to face the world without him. I know that fully well and I always remind myself that when things aren’t going well. But right now I’m stressed out, and not having committed to a marriage gives that evil little voice in the back of my head room to think, “At least I’m not hitched. I’m still an independent free person who can choose not to be here if I want to!” It’s a shameful, yet useful coping method.

That’s my brain dump for now! No brain space to be writing something more thoughtful.