I moved in with Cosmo. I don’t talk to my parents anymore. They’re just too abusive. I don’t ever need to hear anybody say that “it’s pointless to love people like you” or that “you’re such a waste of time”. I thought I’d be sad because we all have good intentions and we didn’t intend for it to end up like this, but mostly I’m just grateful and relieved that I’m finally, finally safe.

Cosmo is in Ontario at a conference right now. The apartment is really quiet without him. When Cosmo isn’t at home to set a good example I get into really bad habits, like sleeping really late, procrastinating on schoolwork, or overeating a lot. 

Anyway, tonight I thought I’d stay up and read some of the letters that Cosmo and I used to send each other back when he was finishing his Master’s in Ontario. I had forgotten the kind of people we were then – always sad and afraid. And so desperate, like you had found the only kind of meaning in the world and you were already losing it.

We aren’t those people anymore. I thought happiness was made of moments that are over quick and you should just be grateful to have had them and to keep their memories. But these thoughts of Cosmo and me together – I couldn’t shake them if I tried. They keep me warm.

It’s such an impossible occurrence, I think we were always so afraid of losing that. But now we know that we’re made of stronger stuff. It’s an unhurried happiness, the kind that you can savour because you know it’s going to last. 

I’m always grateful for Cosmo. I’m surprised by how often that hits me. Sometimes it’s because bad things happen and I’m scared and I need him. He keeps me safe. But even when we’re apart and I’m having a wonderful time, I’m still so happy and grateful for him.

Everything comes and goes. But this is different.