I like hanging with [Bastion]. We met when I was working in government. He’s soft spoken and so smart and really sweet, like holding-the-door sweet and you-can-have-my-jacket-if-you’re-cold sweet. 

And he didn’t drop me like a hot potato when he found out I was taken. So many times people just ditch when they find out you aren’t what they thought. and it feels pretty shitty because apparently friendship doesn’t mean anything.

I don’t mean to be haughty, Bastion has never indicated any interest, but I still have that fear you know? like people only want to be around you because they want something from you. 

and sometimes it’s more complicated. once in awhile i really miss huckduck and i remember how good he was to me, and i tried to be good to him too, although he would never believe me. and i think he felt like i owed him for his kindness. i’m too afraid to say hello now because we were in such shambles at the end, we didn’t recognize each other any more.

i dont mean to be so silly. it’s nice to have friends who are nice to you because they want to be, whose smiles and company you dont have to double guess, and for things not to be complicated, is what i mean.

Last Wednesday I woke up well refreshed because I slept in. Then I felt guilty because I was supposed to help mom carry out the compost cans because they were heavy with wet autumn leaves. Then I was mad because there is both a healthy teenage boy and a middle age man in the house, and why should I have to be mom’s only option? Trumon even wakes up before the compost truck comes. Of course, mom ended up hauling out everything herself, and then she made excuses for why the men couldn’t and then why I shouldn’t be nagging her to demand more responsibility of them.

I think it’s incredible that I’ve found a partner who cooks and cleans and does dishes and laundry. It’s incredible not because that’s a high demand – it’s incredible because just by being born in the era that I was born in makes it that much more likely that the woman wouldn’t be stuck with all the chores. Mom got a husband who won’t/can’t even pour his own cup of water just because chance was not on her side. She was born into a culture and era that made attaining equality so much more difficult. It’s so unfair and arbitrary.

And of course, I’ve raised Trumon to be a little feminist and he can spout off all the reasons why equality is important and where it is missing. But he’s quite the spoiled princess, as only sons in Asian families often are. I keep saying to him, until you start helping with chores at home, you aren’t really a feminist. As long as mom and I are doing all the chores, this cannot be a feminist household.

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My mom is really frikken smart for someone who didn’t get past high school. She went from being unemployed and income-less, and from having to rely on her husband financially, to being able to pay the mortgage by herself. She learned finance on her own and got so good at it that she exited some of my mutual funds, because she was better at investing it than the bank. 

My parents were arguing viciously a few weeks ago and mom said she wanted a divorce. She wasn’t threatening him or holding it over his head; she was in tears and it takes a lot to make my mom cry. I was quite hopeful because my dad’s a mean and hateful asshole. But mom used the D word, and dad smarted up soon after because mom manages all his money. Suddenly he was so nice it was sickening (like actually saying “hello” to me when I came in the house).

And so I know, I know that I shouldn’t ever rely on a man for money. I know every woman should become financially independent. It’s something that moms always teach their daughters, and if I had a daughter I would tell her the same thing.

I know more than anyone that money will allow you to be who you truly are, because if you depend on someone else financially then you have to be what they want. There’s a reason why Trumon and I have to pretend like it’s okay when mom says that gay people are disgusting; we can’t make a fuss because she feeds us. When my dad tells me I’m stupid and useless, I don’t say anything because I live in his house. But if we had money we would speak our minds because we wouldn’t have to (literally) live with the consequences, we’d just go back to our own homes, and too bad for them if they’re upset.

But I am just so uninterested in money. I think mom’s level of financial literacy is astounding and it’s great that she’s offered to teach me, but I really don’t care to learn myself. I think playing these games of shuffling money here and there, of buying stock and certificates and currency is such an inhuman and meaningless way to make money. I know mom did it because she wanted to support her family and I admire and thank her for that, but I can’t fathom ever wanting to buy stocks (except for the purpose of becoming an activist shareholder). And there are moral implications with investing the way my mom does.

I can earn money in other ways of course, but with the market the way it is, I’ll be getting entry level wages for years, if I get a job at all. I don’t mean to complain – I am eager to work. But I have friends with outstanding resumes who can’t find jobs, and even Cosmo is frustrated because he has a Masters degree and plenty of management experience and he’s currently working at a job that someone with a high school diploma could do. The idea of job searching is scary.

I am working hard and lining up my cards however. By the time I graduate I will have 3+ years of communications experience, which is what most entry-level jobs require. So maybe I’ll be okay.

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And as much as I want to leave home and move out with Cosmo right now, I am hesitant because the odds are not in our favour. We’re still young and foolish, we don’t make much money and we’re not very good with managing it either. I might be over thinking this – I know plenty of young couples living together that are doing just fine. And Cosmo and I were very happy when I lived with him last summer.

But if we were to do this seriously I would feel better if we were to live together as two equal partners. He wouldn’t ask me to pay rent, or at least he shouldn’t because he makes six times more than I do, but that would make me uncomfortable. When I was still going out on first dates I would always pay the bill because I was afraid of what the other person would expect of me. I don’t like being in someone else’s debt.

So as much as I don’t like it at home, I think it might be better, or at least it would be helpful, to keep lining up those cards, to not jump into anything too soon. I need to become my own person first. For myself, and for us.

I don’t suppose anyone has any advice or similar experience?