April 15, 2010

• Progress

  This morning I watched Nova Scotian officials live on TV issue a formal, posthumous apology to Viola Desmond. Desmond, a black woman, was arrested 65 years ago for refusing to leave the whites-only section of a movie theatre.

  To some, this is routine ceremony, a necessary political banality. To others, this is a wholly unnecessary inconvenience in an age where racial assimilation can be taken for granted. Can't we get on with our lives without this pomp and pageantry?

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  A few days have passed since their initial blowup, and the parents are now acting like nothing ever happened. Dad's trying to make his usual stupid jokes to me, and mom's making extra efforts to cook my breakfasts and dinners. I thank mom and dad for the meals out of politesse, but I make sure not to act too friendly.

  Lime once called me out on my ability to hold a grudge, but that isn't exactly what I'm doing. Despite their abuses, I'm not at all mad anymore. What I'm waiting for is an apology.

  [Chik] introduced me yesterday to the concept that parents shouldn't ever have to apologize to their kids. The gwai part of me agreed at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I disagreed. Why should it sound arrogant that I want an apology from my parents? I don't expect one, of course, but the facts stand that they have acted out of line. Pretending like the past few days didn't happen is an insult not only because my puny feelings had been hurt, but because they didn't acknowledge their wrong as wrongs, and thus, are certain to repeat their offense in the future.

  [Chik] told me about how a friend of ours, [FCUK], endures her parents' abuses as form of rent payment. The understanding is: "I will be subject to your lack of self-control as long as I have your financial support." This compliance is all that keeps my friend shut up and silent - but it shouldn't have to be that way. I wouldn't have to argue as much as I do with my parents if I were similarly submissive, but I can't stand there and not protest the gibberish (see: Bus Uncle) that comes out of these people's air-holes. Just because you're older and have more money shouldn't give you the right to fuck around with people.

  It's not right to be able to throw a temper tantrum whenever you like. It is not a loss of face to apologize to your child, but instead a mutual reinforcement of all parties' commitment to harmonious behaviour. It is furthermore a sign of your adult maturity and your ability to solve problems in a team setting. Why would you strive for anything else? It sends the message that to lose your control is to be crude and uncivil, and that anyone who does so is wrong and should apologize. Conversely, Chinese culture sees parental outbursts of anger as necessary and vital.

  It's not like Western parenting practices are carried out with complete temperamental governance (in most cases it shouldn't be), but what's important is that unreasonable outbursts are labelled and stigmatized as undesirable behaviour. Western society makes the assumption that we are all enormous fuckups, but that we can redeem ourselves by apologizing and promising to learn from the situation and to better ourselves in the future. You cannot move away from the past if you never make the point to recognize it (thus, the state of Chinese human rights as a result of their failure to acknowledge events such as Tienanmen Square).

  And who says discipline cannot be achieved without violence, without yelling and corporeal punishment? It's been done before and it's possible, and therefore it's what we should strive towards. It might require a bit of creativity and patience, but I'm sure we can do it for the sake of our children. I'm sure every one of us can recall many former teachers having kept an iron-clad control over their classrooms without any hitting or yelling (Also, there is a reason why Western or Western-style education is valued all over the globe as superior to those from countries like China).

  The apology issued to Viola Desmond this morning is the same that has been issued many times to many people all over the world (ex. Rosa Parks). But it is given again and again because it is not only necessary to recognize one's wrongs, but also never to forget them. People don't become perfect human beings once they become parents. Instead of meekly accepting the realities that they live with, Asian kids should hold their parents - these "adults" - accountable for their actions.

  • 2:05 pm
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