December 19, 2012

  • safe

    Okay I don’t think I said that last bit very well. What I was trying to explain is that entire plot of season 5 Buffy was to show how she was eventually driven to committing suicide. She really, really wanted it. And then when she’s brought back to life in season 6, all she wants is to be dead again.

    What a horrible thing to put on TV! It shouldn’t be allowed!

    But it really makes sense to me to watch all this fictional despair, to work it through my gut and my system, because then I can get through it without actually having to live in my own life, without the things that I’m actually angry at and afraid of. I’m feeling it but not really. It’s a simultaneous acknowledgement and denial.

    And you know what? I whine on here a lot but I’ve honestly dealt with much, much more than this. I’ve come out on top on much bigger battlefields (or at least stayed in the game). So why has this driven me down so hard, when in comparison it wasn’t really very much at all? Nothing actually happened. 

    It’s because I’m drained. I’m tired of having to deal. So many years. I don’t want to anymore. I know I can, I’ve done it before. But a part of me is refusing to listen to reason. It’s saying – iamnotiamNOTgoingbackthere. Anything but that. I quit. No more. I want to be safe. I’ve found safety, here with Cosmo. And if I can’t be safe then I’d rather hide. I can hide and it’ll be okay.

    But I can’t. I can be asleep. I can watch TV (hooray for really tame coping measures?). But anything beyond that and I keep remembering, I keep recycling it through in my head.

    I’m safe here, I’m at Cosmo’s, but eventually I have to go back.