December 13, 2012
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Checkpoint
[FZ] and I graduated in the same year at the same high school. How is it that she – she who looks like she’s always been happy, loved and cared for – actually comes from a happy family who loves and cares for her and supports her in everything that she does?
Shouldn’t that just make sense? But then why do I give the same impression? Why am I able to walk out of my house and function like every other normal person? Why did [paperblanks] say to me, “I always thought of you as such a free spirit and just assumed that you must have very supportive parents to have cultivated such a personality”?
I could’ve ended up like [Lime]. Why didn’t I? He, too, came from a broken, struggling family. Lime dealt with it by frequently trying to kill himself. And he had other coping methods. But I don’t feel inclined towards that at all, that doesn’t make any sense to me.
And of course there’s [Digi], who is extremely popular and he has the most loving family that always supports him and listens to him. They are never mean to him and still he was always sad and unhappy for no reason.
There isn’t any math on this. All of it is just arbitrary.==============================Journaling doesn’t help when the trauma just keeps happening. It’s why I stopped writing. There was nothing to do except to swallow things whole and to get on with it. No point in complaining.But I think it’s catching up with me, especially since I’ve felt such an shift inside myself since I “moved in” with Cosmo (I tell my mom I’m sleeping at school sometimes). It’s a safe space to me, a place that feels like mine, where I can focus on homework and everything else I need to do, instead of having to fear being attacked, being re-victimized, being misunderstood, laughed at, bullied, slighted. It feels like peace, my mind can finally be quiet. I feel whole and normal and functional. It makes it hard to even imagine going back.I think it’s catching up with me, especially since I’ve taken on more than I can chew next semester and I’ll be needing all my resources just to keep up. (I’m working two jobs on top of school. One of the jobs is an unpaid internship for a rather disorganized nonprofit, which is just a double-whammy stressball in terms of not helping my finances, which I desperately need to become independent from my parents. Nevertheless, I’m hoping it will help my career).My mom is in the process of re-discovering her religion, which has made her a somewhat nicer person, which might be helpful. I just know I gotta deal with this before it gets any worse. Sometimes when I’m at home I can feel my mind shatter, like the legs had been kicked out from under it. I didn’t know that I’d be back in that place again.And I just don’t want this to be what my life is about. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself – I want to achieve things and be proud of myself. I don’t want people to be afraid of me because my life is so undesirable and I just can’t get it together. I want to have goals and ambitions and friends, not all this holding me back. I don’t want to become a case. I want to be strong and happy and moving on. I’m going to try and get help.
