November 22, 2011
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refuge
Both my parents have now told me at least once that they resent my presence and they'd prefer it if I went away and didn't bother them anymore, but they know I can't afford to move out. They scoff when I cry and say it's a nuisance when I do so.
I met this couple, Tam Duong and Cheryl Teoh. Both Tam and Cheryl have very conservative and authoritative parents who wanted them to get degrees and then find corporate ladders to climb. Tam refused and followed his dream of becoming a musician. Luckily his parents started to accept the idea after awhile, but Cheryl wasn't so lucky.
I think people who don't have that kind of Asian parent won't know what it's like to have your own mom and dad make you feel like a complete shit all the time. All I can say is that it's extremely emotionally abusive, and then I hope that people will believe me.
The topic came up last summer when I was out at lunch with a senior co-worker. He told me that's happened to a lot of his Asian friends, and even though his friends are now working professionals in their late 20s, it never really goes away. That feeling of always being unwanted, unworthy, and inadequate...that stays with you.
I had to hide my horror as he was telling me this story. I don't want that to be me.
From what Tam has told me, I think Cheryl is undergoing a lot of the same from her parents, but she continues to make art anyway.
They take refuge in music and beauty and in one another. These people give me hope.
Comments (5)
Hang in there. As a fellow Asian American who refuses to follow the tradition of our forefathers (well, the particular one you address), I can empathize as to how difficult that road is.
There are two ways to look at what is going on. #1) To our parents, they simply want to ensure they are providing the best future for us, which means enforcing their version of a "good future" on us. But that view completely nullifies our own desires and self fulfillment.
The view I think that is what we should take is that "Our duty to our parents is to take this life they have given us and to ensure that we do our utter best to live it to its fullest and not throw it away." It's true that there will be disagreements, fights, and lots of disappointment along the way, but we have to be the ones paving the way for the next generation you know?
It's a tough journey, but don't second guess yourself. I believe that you can do it. =)
@bengozen - You know, there seems to be an informal Asian Parent Support Group online in that whenever anyone blogs or writes about it, all other people with similar backgrounds come together in support. It's kind of funny and uplifting at the same time.And yet, it's easy when you're feeling shitty to forget that we're all in the same boat.
You made me remember that I'm not alone and that we'll all here for one another. Thank you Ben
I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with such an environment at home. I always thought of you as such a free spirit and just assumed that you must have very supportive parents to have cultivated such a personality, but assumptions are often wrong I suppose. There is little I can offer in terms of comfort other than tell you that I'm fully confident that you can overcome all this and emerge stronger than ever.
The thing I've found with Asian parents is that they are very difficult to satisfy. I'm sure you've gotten something similar... 100% on your exam? Y U NO get 110%? In reality though, it's kinda worrisome when they finally are satisfied. It's hard, but you can do it.
On a side note. Please don't overthink things too much on your own... if you find yourself thinking in circles of despair and self-pity, talk to someone. Msg me or something and I'll make time for you. Went through a similar phase on my own before I smartened up and stumbled into the school's counseling services... they were very helpful.
@AzureRecollections - It makes me feel better to know you're here
I hope you never leave xanga! Thank you Daniel.
I believe you. I'm sorry you have to go through that... indeed, it is emotionally abusive. For what it's worth, I love you exactly as you are. xxx