December 24, 2010
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Fingerprints
I always felt fake and poser back when I was playing classical music. It wasn't just that I was playing songs that had already been played by thousands of others; the songs weren't mine. It wasn't honest of me to play them. They told me I was wrong, of course you're expressing yourself, see how no two people play any song the same? Of course this is what you want; this is you.
Hayate and I are in the same music club at school and he's one of my favourite singer-songwriters. The other members can play their classical pieces with as much expression as they like, but when you play music that isn't your own, you can only ever hope to inject yourself into the soul of something that isn't yours. Hayate and I write our own music, we sing from the depths of wherever music comes from. The music is us and it validates us.
I'm so idealistic, I know (that's why you keep reading!). I found that I don't enjoy performing live. I ruin everything when I'm nervous. The jitters go away once I'm into the song, but even then I don't like sharing my music with strangers. I get compliments like "your voice is so pretty", but I what I want to convey is in the song itself, and its message. I don't think they get it and they don't get me - and how can they? They don't know me like the people who've been reading me for years; I feel safe being myself here.
That's me being selfish and introverted. I don't know how professional musicians can stand to put a dollar sign on their music and to have it posted on myspace for the whole world to hear. They are so infinitely generous to expose themselves to just anyone like that.
I'll still keep performing of course; when it comes to art it's like that tree in the forest - you're not a musician if no one ever hears you. The listener makes the musician. An artist can never belong only to him or herself.
Recording a new song soon! (I'll just keep saying that until it happens).
Comments (3)
When I was in Nepal with my family, I communicated with my friends via hand written letters. There were more than 10 pages of letters in one envelope. That was about four or five years ago and internet wasn't very much accessible in our country. And now that I'm back but some of my friends are in Singapore, the only thing we use to communicate is by e-mailing or IM-ing. Sometimes I also had the same yearning and started to write, but was too lazy to continue. My hands that used to write more than 10 pages in one letter started to ache even before I could finish a paragraph. Beauty of advanced technology!
That's why it's really nice to see the way you posted a hand-written blog. Plus, I like your hand writing.
i think i've mentioned this before but hayate sounds like daniel johnston.
just oozing with emotion.
@kyalzinlay - You should write for us on Xanga
@TheKamikazeKings - punk version of Daniel johnston haha. I have recordings of Siamack and Hayate if you like:
http://www.cjsf.ca/vanilla_archives/2010_December_22_12_00.mp3 (11:55 Siamack)
http://www.cjsf.ca/vanilla_archives/2010_December_22_12_30.mp3 (2:27 Hayate)