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November 6, 2010

sleep < accomplishment

found this lying around the station

I've been CJSF's PR coordinator for two months now, and I realized yesterday that I'm damn good at my job. I'm not the best at what I do and I have plenty of weak points. But I believe in grassroots non-profits and self-education. I believe in local artistry and student voices, and so I do all I can for independent radio.

People are impressed when I say I have two assistants, but it's more democratic than it sounds because they get paid more than I do. The problem is, they aren't very good. [MIA] is always MIA (it's up to assistants how much they want to work). [Candy] is very eager, but she can't write well enough for me to trust her with the press releases, and although she can use Adobe design programs, she doesn't have enough grasp of design principles to create usable promotional materials.

What's particularly infuriating is when people sigh when you give them work. Either people don't know you shouldn't let your boss hear your sighs, or I don't seem particularly boss-like to them.

I wasn't the one who hired them, and I don't want to fire people (I can't anyway). And I'm as leftist as they come, but I imagine that in private company I'd immediately be able to get competent replacements. I've never been in a union but I'm guessing that they'd be problematic in a similar situation.

There are things I can do better too of course. I could be more charismatic, bring out the best in others by finding and working to their strengths. I'm not yet that talented of a people person.

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I met Talvani last year while he was a visiting scholar at SFU. He's since gone back to Brazil. He emailed me last week saying that he's moving to Sao Paulo, and that I could make good money there as an English and piano teacher. It was strange to think that I could possibly be valued and wanted in a place other than home.

Because I honestly don't know if I'm capable enough of supporting myself in the environment where I am now. What are my skills? In my studies I'm a cultural analyst. Outside of that I'm a closet blogger and a wannabe musician. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Academia is a passion, certainly, but for now it's also as a refuge against the inevitable real world.

And I love my work at CJSF, but basically I don't make anything from it. It didn't help, for example, when dad looked at my paycheque and scoffed at how he could make that in a second. Thank you parents, that's exactly what I need you for.

A panelist at the Media Democracy Day event today asked the audience, "Raise your hands if you would prefer survival of the fittest over sustainability. How about unlimited growth over sustainability?" He was suggesting, among other things, that in order for democracy to work, we might have to start working for art and culture - we might have to start working for one another instead of working for money.

And in that room full of ideas, media activists and alternative, minority voices united against big business, I felt like maybe I could be worth more than just my bank account. I have value to give back to the world.