September 2, 2010
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Inception
I dreamt about Tinkerbell last night. She, her mom and I had been shopping at the mall and were in the parking lot ready to go our separate ways. Before we parted, she gifted me with a beautiful, spineless and black-bound modern edition of a Communications theory book written back in some forgotten century, complete with linocut drawings. I thanked her fondly while caressing the pages and thought it was the most perfect thing anyone's ever given me.
The actual Tinkerbell I haven't seen since last year on my birthday. Even though I'm the one who she's kept most in contact with since high school, she has by now pretty much abandoned our old circle of friends and I miss her. But upon waking up from the dream I felt satiated and closer to her than ever, and even in the dream I had considered our friendship rekindled. I think my dreams are helping me to get over the nostalgia, to remember what was good and ultimately, to move on.
I've been feeling demotivated and angry for the past couple of weeks, and it's more than shown in recent posts. I'm as optimistic as they come, but sometimes when everything you do doesn't add up to jack, I have to take a mental holiday from being stupidly cheerful all the time. I've been going out and seeing people, and it's most unlike me to spend all this money and to not feel guilty about it. I haven't yet regained my previous momentum but it's a necesary release.
I sat in on [DJ's] show yesterday. I went on air for the first time and sounded like a fool, and the station managers with whom I am interviewing with tomorrow morning were listening! The podcast of the show won't be taken off the internet and permanently deleted until two weeks later. My career is not off to a good start ==
[DJ] and I are not good friends, but he was courteous enough to wait for my bus with me and to give me a hug before I got on. I pressed myself against him for one dying second and was grateful.
