August 22, 2010
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Disengage
My team members know that I'm a decent athlete and that I've made good plays in the past, so I don't work as hard as I could cause I'm too lazy to try and impress them. Still, my team is very kind to me. They compliment my meagre efforts and still trust me enough to pass to me.
I play much better when I'm on a team of strangers because then I have to prove myself anew. I subbed for the team of a high school acquaintance today in a tournament because they were short on girls. Since this team played together for a whole season already they were familiar with one another's playing styles and were reluctant to pass to a new, unproven player who, on top of everything, is a girl (many teams don't pass to their girls and have them only because the rules say you always need at least 3 on the field). They trusted their own teammates with risqué passes, but they wouldn't accept anything less than perfection from me. I was forced to run all the harder and to sharpen every cut; I had to fight for the disc each time. Instead of dully following my check or the movement of players on the field, instead of playing in response mode, I was forced to play with a higher mental awareness.
After playing six hours of games I concluded that I have plenty of endurance for a day's worth of ultimate, but mentally I give up much sooner. Even with gas still left in the tank I couldn't find the motivation to play my best, especially since the team didn't rely on me anyway. The difference between me and an elite player like KitKat isn't even necessarily one of fitness and skill, but of headspace. I play ultimate to get fit, to gain the glory with the occasional good play, but I don't play to win.
Until I can put my heart into it, I won't be able to catch or run as well as my teammates, as well as I know I could. It's alright to play ultimate only recreationally, but what am I doing in the upper divisions of a competitive sport league if I don't play competitively? Ultimate used to be my whole life; my standing on the high school team solidified my place in the school community. I spent lunch, after school hours, and entire summers on the field. I had a tight circle of ultimate friends - with KitKat, Mint, and Lime, at its centre - to keep me grounded in the sport.
While Kitkat now dates the captain and is one of the strongest players of our team, I've never really felt like I've belonged, both socially and in terms of skill (especially since all our team social events are centered around drinking and eating unhealthy, non-vegan foods). Now that Mint is dating her supervisor and is increaingly engaged with work, she's expressed to me a similar feeling of growing distant from the sport. Mint'll still play recreationally with us but it's evident that she lives her life elsewhere. But unlike her, I don't really have anywhere else to go. Ultimate is another instance of my feeling increasingly alienated from everything.
Comments (3)
Maybe it's time to try something new?
And then at some point, having done that new thing, you'll return to old things and you'll appreciate and be fired up for them differently.
i know i haven't said much lately, but i figure now's a good enough time as any.
i know i felt the same sort of loss when i graduated HS, losing the sport i spent 3 years dedicating my life to. and when i got injured, well i was devastated. i even tried to play the next year with the injury, but had to give up. ever since then my game level has plummeted through the floor. it still hurts how much i fail compared to our teammates, knowing i used to be that good, but i can't regain that form. this year has given me a new appreciation for the sport, playing for a competitive yet fun team.
but that being said, the circle of friends being centered around a singular thing will always come and bite you in the ass. just a fact of life.unless that singular thing is a rock that cannot and will not change over time. sport is not one of those things. people get older, priorities change. some people continue on at a leisurely pace, some people excel, some people just give it up. life lesson. (ps. if you didn't have ultimate, in theory you wouldn't have met me =S )
i don't want to go into the depressing "broaden your horizons, meet new friends" thing, but i'll leave that as a lingering thought.
find a new hobby, or a new sport. don't leave ultimate behind per se, but find something that YOU enjoy more. what's the point of doing something you don't enjoy every minute of?
"I play ultimate to get fit, to gain the glory with the occasional good play, but I don't play to win." - don't play the game to get in shape, get in shape to play the game.
That's a really horrible feeling to have to deal with, but keeping optimistic, consider that you may just be feeling alienated because familiar things are changing. For most people, that seems like a bad thing, but in reality, it means that new and exciting events will be happening (you get to meet new people, and have a chance to go through the "building relationships" part again... which for many people, is the best part of life)
Other than that... pick up a camera. That always helps with these kinds of feelings.