August 21, 2010
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Brave
I've been struggling with serious guilt issues over the past year. Mostly I've been upset over the fact that I don't make as much money as Mint, and that I don't earn enough to pay for my own school. If only I had won more competitions, I thought, or had gotten a couple more points on my ARCT, I could be more secure in my teaching career.
I remember last summer I would spend up to eight hours a day working the keys, practicing for the exam, and still dad would come in and yell: "Either you go to school or you get a job. Don't sit at home doing nothing."
He shut up quick when I started making money off of my music, but the parents never have a shortage of other things to yell about. I became deeply ashamed of coming from a dysfunctional family, of feeling like a tenant in my own house. I carried this deadweight secret around and I started feeling like deadweight myself; a blight and a burden to both my friends and family. I felt useless, but mostly I was scared. How will I impress Starr if I don't become smarter, happier, and more enduring - if i don't become a person of value? How will I ever be smart and resourceful enough to stand up on my own, to finally get me and Trumon away from this house?
The traits you hate most in yourself is what you judge most harshly in others. I hung around [MileyMakeup] a couple times this summer and I looked upon her with disdain. She's never volunteered, or had a job, or even been particularly good at school. Doesn't she know that the future is big and scary? How can she enjoy having a boyfriend, hanging out and spending money, or even her parents' love without having done anything to earn it?
But I love her regardless, and I realized I shouldn't have to do anything for parents and friends to love me either. I shouldn't feel guilty if my parents aren't smart enough to see my value. I should stop living for people who are impossible to satisfy, and start living for me.
I decided that I don't have to apply for part-time, minimum-wage coffeeshop work in order to be productive. So far I've been
- drawing (my art skills have reverted into almost nothing from 2 years of neglect)
- learning guitar and jazz piano
- studying French and learning Mandarin
- reading (finished the Beth Goobie and Robert Cormier collection at the library)
- getting in shape (ulti-ing and dragonboating 2-4 times a week)
- learning how to use InDesign and Illustrator
- spending time with my brother (accomplishment of the summer: getting him off the computer long enough to finish a novel!)
A lot of these are all loner activities; I spent a lot of this summer alone. It's not that I consciously decide to avoid people, more like I find myself gravitating away from the things they like to do. I don't believe in giving money to Hollywood movies, theatre/amusement park corporations, for example. I don't drink. I don't eat where everyone else likes to eat since I'm eating more raw and more vegan than ever. It's not fun to go to a restaurant and be the only one without food cause you either look out of place or you have to endure awkward conversations about why your diet is different from everyone else's.
I can't even find things to do with Mint anymore. I can't get excited about her fancy "ladies night out" parties of dressing up and going to eat fancy foods. I've decided that makeup is a waste of money (not to mention it's toxic) and that heels hurt too much to wear ever again.
Food has too much environmental and health consequence to not think about it; I can't understand when people don't. Their lack of conscience frightens me, and I don't know how to relate to them anymore. My grandmother had cancer and my grandfather died from it. And yet my mom still gets annoyed when I ask her to stop using styrofoam food containers and to stop going to McDonalds. People would rather donate to Heart&Stroke research than to give up their burgers and fries. I remember my high school physics teacher told the class that he looks down on people who choose to smoke, and yet he drank Coke every day.
Does it sound like I'm too angry or too boring because I do my best to avoid capitalist consumer culture? The tragedy of the Rat Race isn't just about having to spend 40 hours a week at the office - it's about how we don't know how to amuse or entertain ourselves anymore without spending money, how we compulsively use that hard-earned money to destroy both ourselves and the planet.
It used to be that I'd become emo and depressed when I felt left out and alienated, but now I'm secure about the choices I make and the person I want to be. If society doesn't have a place for me, then I'll make my own place elsewhere.
